Feelings of uselessness

It’s days like today… the past few weeks, actually, that the MS really rears it’s ugly head. Forgetful, addled, clumsy,…

Is it the “new” medication? Is it not working as well? The infusions seemed to work better, but I can’t take them anymore because of JCVirus and the risks involved with PML (which I think I explained in a previous post). So I’m on a pill, and I don’t know how well it’s actually working. Mention it to the Dr., and she says (reminds me) that stress can cause the MS to “bleed through”. So avoid stress.

Stress? Let’s talk about stress. I’m aware that people have it worse than me, but that doesn’t help (and don’t bother telling me to think about it, I won’t respond because if I do, I WILL go off in a big way). So, what are my current stresses? Let’s list them:

  • Trying to get rid of the house in Chattanooga that needs repairs. Yes, there are repairs going on now, but in the mean time, we’re still paying mortgage on it, to the tune of $800. This is on top of our rent here.
  • Having been out of work for 2 months and having to use some of the insurance money for living stuff, and now having to come up with the money to pay for the repairs on the house.
  • Finding out there are more damages once they’ve gotten through some of the demo for fixing the house. This means getting the insurance adjuster out and having them take another look, and hoping they’ll be willing to give more money for repairs.
  • Jon having hurt himself and having been out of work since May. Thankfully he has short term disability and is getting paid regularly, but not paying any medical bills.
  • Having fought with Jon’s worker’s comp for so long that his treatment got very delayed and he’s still not really gotten any answers.
  • Trying to get myself back into the swing of things at work and having a hard time because of brain fog. I “get lost” sometimes while I’m working on something, and this sends me into anxiety. And with having taken so much time off, I don’t want to ask to go home because of it even though I have a hard time functioning.
  • Medical bills. Paying them off little bits at a time, but they’re just hanging over my head.
  • All of the kids being behind on their shots due to lack of money for it. And Percy is back to chewing himself so bad that he’s getting hairballs again. Few things quite as disgusting as a dog hairball.
  • Doing shows by myself because Jon can’t manage it (this I don’t blame him for, I was where he was and I don’t want him making himself worse). Yeah, I could not do the shows, but I need to try and get another inflow of cash.
  • Keeping up with custom orders while still trying to make stuff for shows.
  • Trying to pick good shows and having failed at that at the beginning of the year, meaning that I spent money to sit and not sell anything or barely sell enough to make the price of the table/booth.
  • Trying to keep things together at home: cooking, laundry, what little cleaning I do (which I will admit isn’t much). Also, grocery shopping, picking up medications, any other little things we need
  • Having my show tent break at a recent show and having to cut what could have been a profitable show short because I couldn’t use my tent. And now having to fix or replace it, or just not do any more outdoor shows. (and the worst part of this is realizing on my way home what I could have done to be able to stay… which just made me feel like more of an idiot)
  • Taking the dogs for their walks alone and just not being able walk them as far as they need. The heat is hard on me, and makes my brain fuzzy if I’m out in it too long (another problem with the outdoor shows. The most recent one left me feeling like someone had toasted my brain on high, and it felt like that for days. Crunchy brain.).
  • Having to be overly careful to not fall on my ass/face because it’ll likely undo the surgery I had. As someone who has always tripped over her own feet (and pebbles, and flush cracks in the sidewalk, and dust bunnies, and leaves, and….), this does make me self conscious, and again, feeling like an oaf who’s almost 43 and still hasn’t figured out how to use her own body yet.

So, what has all this caused? Brain fog where I get lost with what I’m supposed to be doing, both at home and at work. This makes stuff at work take a little longer because I have to double check to make sure I’m doing things right. Anxiety attacks where I just want to curl up in a ball and not doing anything for… well, honestly, days. I have to push through it with anxiety pills and willpower to be able to get anything done. Agitation with any little thing… the dogs needing to go out, needing to stop what I’m doing to do something else that’s necessary, the dogs barking at anything, the post office not delivering a package because they’re incompetent, the idiot driving in front of me that’s doing 25 in a 35 zone, the seat cushions on the couch moving out of place, the cats getting into things they shouldn’t. Finding myself constantly typing the wrong word… and I’m not talking about typos, I’m talking about typing “park” instead of “wouldn’t”, or typing a completely wrong name at work when I’m looking for a client. Not being able to come up with the word (or words) for what I’m talking about.

I just feel constantly on edge and at the point of breakdown pretty much all the time. And I just keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen. If I take any kind of drive, I’m often blaring Nine Inch Nails through the stereo in the car, which is my go to overly stressed album. And I feel bad, but there are a lot of times I just want to be alone. With Jon not working, he’s home and that’s not something I’m used to. We’re good in that we don’t have to constantly be in each other’s business, but it’s still a big change from what I’ve been used to for the past, oh…. 12+ years. And I hate feeling that.

The bipolar of course isn’t helping. The medication that was working fine now isn’t cutting it, but I hate the idea of upping things again. I’m an advocate for staying on medication, but that doesn’t mean I really like taking it. I still mentally fight myself with sometimes feeling useless because I need it.

I’m sick of being strong. I’m over being strong. But I don’t have a choice in the matter.

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